“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose, All that we love deeply becomes a part of us” Helen Keller
This is the anniversary of the loss of my son in taking his life, and a description of the magnitude of suffering, leading to the attempt to take my life as well. But by God’s grace I was saved, only He knows the reason why. I wrote a poem on this experience called – Grief Six years less four months making seven an event happened. It was never thought to happen. One of those things that happens to someone else but never to her. A call in the night forbidding, she is shaking, for him looking. A child missing, never returning, to go or stay she is wondering, it is perplexing. Watching him grow, playing and laughing, always hoping, praying his life would be happy and lasting. Mother and son no longer bonding. He is sleeping, waiting for the resurrection. One night deciding, plight succumbing, seeming to be best, it would be loving. It is just too much, such awful thoughts resisting. Nine months carrying, body feeding him, a womb providing a room for him to grow in. This is a testing, thoughts increasing. She is trying, nothing is helping. Cannot explain the feelings, nothing is helping, hoping this is passing, there is shaming, there is blaming. Back and forth driving, twisting and turning, dogs vomiting. Not to be late she is hurrying. Careful the right road taking, road construction frustrating. Grief succumbing, mind spinning, depression visiting. Decisions baffling, she is withdrawing, obituary disturbing, words troubling, This kind of death met with frowning, eulogy confusing.
***** She is stopping, the man is helping, his kindness endearing, altars of thanksgiving. Turnings in the road directing, storms withdrawing, comfort finding, friends consoling, medications helping, sometimes lacking. Eyes slowly opening, ears hearing, tears no longer weeping. Birds singing, sun shining, flowers blooming, children sharing. Shadows lifting, she is talking, she is writing, on paper speaking, slowly resolving, process unfolding. She is hoping, to all things resigning. All things loving, doors are opening, acceptance is residing!