As I mentioned in my last few posts, this is a challenging
Time. The death of my son occurred in the month of July.
He took his life, and with much grief I have tried to work
Through the ravaging effects it has left on myself and my
Two years after this I attempted to also take mine. The
Frightening thing about this is it came on suddenly, I
Did not plan it. I remember the day before I had stood at
The doctor and therapist’s office with the thought, if they
Did not help me I did not know how I would ever make it.
I went home with a despair that I had no idea what to do.
The next day something clicked in my head, reaching
For a bottle of pills, I locked my dogs in my apartment, and
Headed for the store, where I bought a bottle of wine,
Which was out of the ordinary, for I never drink, and then
Drove up a lonely road.
There is a name for thoughts of suicide, ideation, but I did
Not plan this at this time.
When my son was found, it hit with such force that at
That time I did have the thoughts but was unable to
Complete them. They say that when someone does
Complete the act, it has an enormous effect on family and
Friends. It can cause a cluster effect.
I had many times in the past wish I could die, and
Wondered on occasion why I didn’t. As a young girl
My mother and I were standing on a corner waiting
For a bus and I fainted. I had cut my leg (by accident)
On a rusty nail and I had hid it from my mother, I
Had blood poison, and by all rights I should have died.
I think all of us can look back on incidences that
Should have taken us but by some force we were
Spared. I remember driving down a steep grade and
The brakes went out. Again I was spared. I believe
God intervenes in the times we were spared, for
There was a plan to use us in ways we before hand
Did not understand.
I have written a couple of poems to relate my experience
With this ugly illness.
It was a sudden decision, a force
Grabbed my mind, to all things
On earth I was blind.
I was done!
A warm summer evening, with
Beauty all around, that I would
Never again look upon.
A bottle of pills and a bottle of
Wine would do this job just fine.
Driving up the road past homes
Of friends, I did not realize the pain
My decision would bring.
But this would only be for a time.
Friends would soon forget, I would
Be forgotten, as time went on.
The sun began to set, as I parked
The car on a far off road.
My last night on earth, taking
One more look, shadows lingering
Upon the hills. I twisted the cork,
Tipping the bottle to my lips,
Taking the bottle of pills, with one
More look at the lavender hills.
Falling asleep, death would be a
Suddenly I awoke to the sound of
Words, I was placed on a stretcher,
They were trying to keep me alive.
I was angry, “why God was I not
Taken, did You have something
Else in mind, did I try to stop my
Clock, just for You to rewind?”
This was my intention, but He had
Plans of intervention. The answer
To this question would come in
One thought on “Ideation To Intervention”
The fact that you are able to share that level of power is poignant To me. It speaks to me that you feel the intensity of Nature’s uncut force, and… have… Trees with strong roots laugh at storms. (Malay Proverb) which to me means they Stand in Empathic Silence as the storm rushes on and even rages, though Nature knows no emotion, and goes on and on and torrentially on… until… until the storm tires, subsides. Diminishes, though still holds up its pure gold… as the Tree, after the storm lean in, touches the gold, and, “What message did you have in that storm? What values that gold you now hold?”
You have been through tumult and more than I can imagine. The loss of child? (Shaking head) My best to you Donna. I have no words for that other than… my deepest condolences to you. May your memories be Sacred Blessings.
Thank you for sharing. I have a new lease on these kinds of things because of you.