Ideation To Intervention

As I mentioned in my last few posts, this is a challenging

Time. The death of my son occurred in the month of July.

He took his life, and with much grief I have tried to work

Through the ravaging effects it has left on myself and my

Family.

Two years after this I attempted to also take mine. The

Frightening thing about this is it came on suddenly, I

Did not plan it. I remember the day before I had stood at

The doctor and therapist’s office with the thought, if they

Did not help me I did not know how I would ever make it.

I went home with a despair that I had no idea what to do.

The next day something clicked in my head, reaching

For a bottle of pills, I locked my dogs in my apartment, and

Headed for the store, where I bought a bottle of wine,

Which was out of the ordinary, for I never drink, and then

Drove up a lonely road.

There is a name for thoughts of suicide, ideation, but I did

Not plan this at this time.

When my son was found, it hit with such force that at

That time I did have the thoughts but was unable to

Complete them. They say that when someone does

Complete the act, it has an enormous effect on family and

Friends. It can cause a cluster effect.

I had many times in the past wish I could die, and

Wondered on occasion why I didn’t. As a young girl

My mother and I were standing on a corner waiting

For a bus and I fainted. I had cut my leg (by accident)

On a rusty nail and I had hid it from my mother, I

Had blood poison, and by all rights I should have died.

I think all of us can look back on incidences that

Should have taken us but by some force we were

Spared. I remember driving down a steep grade and

The brakes went out. Again I was spared. I believe

God intervenes in the times we were spared, for

There was a plan to use us in ways we before hand

Did not understand.

I have written a couple of poems to relate my experience

With this ugly illness.

~~~~

Intervention

It was a sudden decision, a force

Grabbed my mind, to all things

On earth I was blind.

I was done!

A warm summer evening, with

Beauty all around, that I would

Never again look upon.

A bottle of pills and a bottle of

Wine would do this job just fine.

Driving up the road past homes

Of friends, I did not realize the pain

My decision would bring.

But this would only be for a time.

Friends would soon forget, I would

Be forgotten, as time went on.

The sun began to set, as I parked

The car on a far off road.

My last night on earth, taking

One more look, shadows lingering

Upon the hills. I twisted the cork,

Tipping the bottle to my lips,

Taking the bottle of pills, with one

More look at the lavender hills.

Falling asleep, death would be a

Sweet release.

Suddenly I awoke to the sound of

Words, I was placed on a stretcher,

They were trying to keep me alive.

I was angry, “why God was I not

Taken, did You have something

Else in mind, did I try to stop my

Clock, just for You to rewind?”

This was my intention, but He had

Plans of intervention. The answer

To this question would come in

Time.

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