I in 10 suicide attempt risk among friends and relatives of people who die by suicide!

Reflections on Grief, Suicide and Intervention

People bereaved by the sudden death of a loved one or family member are
65% more likely to attempt
suicide if the deceased died
by suicide than if they died by
natural causes *UCL


I found this to be true. . .

What would the world do without me? I thought I would see. . . My life would go on only in
memory. I’d had enough – and so I thought – BUT God had plans of intervention!

INTENTION

I remember standing at the desk that day, I knew if the
doctor could not help me, I would not make it. And yet
I had felt that way before, for two years since the fatal
attempt of my son’s life. But this time was – different!

STRUGGLE

Later on that day, the warm summer evening was with
beauty all around, but I knew I would never again look
upon. It was as if a compelling force took hold of my
mind. Grabbing the bottle of pills, I drove to the store
(for some reason I knew I would need a bottle of wine
to secure this intention) even though I had never
purchased a bottle or tasted of it before. I then drove
up the road past homes of friends, feeling alone, but
it would only be for a time.

ATTEMPT

As the sun began to set, I parked the car, praying for
release from my heavy burdens. Then on my last night
on earth, taking one more look at the shadows lingering
upon the hills, I twisted the cork, tipping the bottle, then
taking the pills, I fell asleep – death to me would be a
sweet release.

INTERVENTION

Suddenly I awoke, as I was placed on a stretcher – people
all around trying to keep me alive. I was angry! Why God,
was I not taken from this world? Did you have something
more in mind? Did I try to stop my clock for you to rewind?
As I came to my senses the sound of the ambulance was
rushing to the hospital. A 72 hour hold (by law when an
attempt is made) was placed upon me, which in my case
was extended.

COMMITTED

I have been placed among many people who are very ill
struggling with challenges we all had in common, some
more intense than others. I did not quite understand their
tight hold on life. Laying awake at night to the sound of
moans and screams, of nurses rushing in to control those
restrained to their beds. With my stay, the space of time
emptied into remoteness, days lost their existence, I was
forced to face my anger and resentments.

RELEASED

The door closes behind me. I am released back into the
world of obstacles. Feeling the warm sun on my skin,
breathing fresh air, hearing the sounds of cars as they
speed by. The sound of an airplane, the whistle of the
train, people moving back and forth. Will I succeed in
facing the world with medications and sedation? I have
reservations as I leave this place. The world had gone on
without me, not knowing or caring why I had suddenly
left for a time. No one understands the apprehension I
feel. Will family and friends reject me, will they lose
credibility in me, will the stigma of this attempt
follow me? Would there be resources available for
those who survive their attempts of self harm, for
family and friends left behind?






‘The Silent Dove In Distant Lands’

Good Sabbath Morning!

Another Reflection on Grief and Acceptance

Experiencing grief can bring about
many questions – could I have done
better – would it have made a difference?
If I would have only said “I love you” that last
time.
But the lie of grief can bring about
many tormenting thoughts, whether the
loss of a loved one, loss of a relationship
or physical and mental illness. . .
David had many losses in his life, and was
continually fleeing from his enemies
alienated from his country until he felt as a
dove without its song, lost and forgotten!

In one of his Psalms Chapter 56 he wrote a song ‘THE SILENT DOVE IN DISTANT LANDS’
Depressed and sorrowful, praying for deliverance from his tormentors!

Have we ever felt like a bird in a cage who has lost its song? Without family
or friends, lost and forgotten?
Or maybe we never had a song to begin with, raised by a mother or father who
were unable to share a melody, since they had never received one for themselves.

I can relate to David’s many torments –

The ravishes of mental illness seem as enemies to me, ever seeking to
whisper their deceits in my mind bringing me to my knees, seeking relief from
my tormentors, seeking me day and night!


Whatever our torments, we can place them in God’s hands!
In PSALM 56 David stated –
“Be merciful to me, O God, for man would swallow me up;
Fighting all day he oppresses me, my enemies would hound me all day
For there are many who fight against me O MOST High”


But he stated “Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You…
I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”


And though we feel as a song has forsaken us there is the promise
As David so aptly expressed it in Psalm 40:3
“He has put a new song in my mouth – Praise to our God
Many will see it and fear and will trust in the LORD”

the empty room…

A continuing series on grief and acceptance

After tragedy and loss the body holds memories
sympathizing with the
mind, which seems to compartmentalize
suppressing thoughts and emotions. Numbness is a safety shield, dealing with pain, for to deal with it all at once is overwhelming. It takes time to grieve, to gradually make the decision to walk away.
Letting go is not in our timing. I’ve found it repetitious, like moving from one room to
another, with conflicting messages . . .

Each time I walk into this room it is strangely quiet
bare and empty, but for a few pieces of old furniture
old and worn
the windows are closed without a breath of air, tired
and lonely from memories and cares it has refused to
share


It is in mourning, quiet and still, it portrays a lack of
honesty and wears a costume of despair
whenever I venture in it is hard to leave, locked inside
with its loneliness and self defeat


One day I looked in a room beside it with some
pictures on the wall, and little things began to happen
giving a clue, the two rooms were slowly coming
together, shifting their weight, holding each other

Little urges appeared
gradually pulling the drapes, allowing the
light to diffuse the darkness, from starless nights
and sunless days

Knocking on the door, I am reluctant to go in
but gathering courage, I offer to help with this room
perhaps I could share
a bed, a dresser with sheets of peace and a blanket
of comfort and a chest of hope
windows with curtains, cleaning with a little
water and soap

With a welcoming spirit it invites me in, now we
are not just a room but a house of our own!

Acceptance!

I have tried everything else, trying to escape, not able to think
climbing the Ladder of Grief
The steps of the ladder do not always come in
order, sometimes I slip, falling back on the rungs
of the others

Sometimes it wavers and then begins to fall, holding on with
dear life, I tread these steps, thinking
I have achieved, then suddenly it changes


Climbing these steps in theory, why can’t they all happen at once?
And then I see – THERE ARE FIVE STEPS IN ALL

  1. DENIAL
  2. ANGER
  3. SHAME
  4. BLAME
    5. ACCEPTANCE

OF ALL THESE ACCEPTANCE IS THE ANSWER TO THEM ALL!

7-7-11

A short series on grief and acceptance, not necessarily in order
for the steps of grief and recovery rarely are. . .

There are different meanings for the number 711!
One is the popular [Angel 711] meaning that you
need to let go of the past,
forgive others and yourself. Some consider it a
lucky number, but for me it is an ominous number.!


I wrote the following, 11 years ago on this day after
a calamitous loss.
The following is a very short synopsis of a painful journey
over twists and turns, over mountains and grievous thoughts. . .

It was never thought to happen
One of those things that happens
to someone else but never to her

A forbidding call she is shaking
a child missing never
returning

To stay or go she is wondering
desiring to journey along with him

Watching him grow, playing and
laughing, always hoping and
praying his life would be
happy and lasting

Mother and son no longer bonding
one night
deciding, seeming
to be best, it would be loving, it is just too
much, such awful thoughts

9 months carrying him, body feeding
him, a womb providing a room for
him to grow in

This is a testing, thoughts increasing
nothing is helping, can’t explain the
feelings, hoping this is passing, there is
blaming, there is shaming

Back and forth driving, twists and turnings
dogs vomiting, not to be late she is
hurrying, careful the right road taking

Road construction frustrating, depression
visiting, mind spinning, she is withdrawing
obituary disturbing, this kind of death
met with frowning, eulogy confusing

   

She is stopping, the man is helping
his kindness endearing, storms withdrawing
passages protecting, comfort finding

Friends consoling, medications helping
eyes slowly opening, ears hearing
tears no longer weeping

Birds singing, sun shining, flowers blooming
shadows lifting, she is talking she is writing
on paper speaking, mourning turning to
consoling * *

‘Give me your tired, your poor’

Poem on the the base of the Statue of Liberty

your huddled masses
YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE
the wretched refuse of your teeming shore
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me
“I LIFT UP MY LAMP BESIDE THE GOLDEN DOOR!”

She is a beacon of light – a national treasure. . . And one of the most recognizable
figures in the world!
Each year millions who cherish her ideals make
the journey to experience her history and grandeur . . .
She is the Statue of Liberty, a symbol of freedom…and hope!
God Bless America – and all within her shores!

the red scarf. . .

This is the month when all is difficult, even more
so, in the ability to make decisions, to focus on things
that can create happiness and joy. When I started
writing it came forth as poetry with the incessant
need to rhyme practically every sentence. I tried
to veer from this but found it difficult.
But in this writing I will refrain (due to the deep
emotional pain I am experiencing). . . .
(or at least try to not do it as much)

The last glimpse that night left a lingering
memory!
Why they chose red I wasn’t sure
Did they have a drawer full of
scarves just for this occasion? Why couldn’t
it have been blue or even white? Was it because this color covered the marks and bruises best from the self infliction,
extinguishing his last breath that night.
An act that created a deep wound on a family gripped with grief and loss

The color red has a range of symbolic meanings including
life – courage – anger – love and religious fervor –
the common threads that weave the fabric of life
together
I’m wondering if the weaver of this particular
cloth had any idea what it would be used for, was this
color chosen ahead of time depicting the endurance that was
shown, the courage under dire circumstances, until the wearer
was no longer able to bear it?
Was he alone with his
last lingering moments on earth. . . . Was I, the one who
had given birth to an only son, left unattended, not prepared
for that call in the middle of the night?
As his coffin was lowered in the earth in the soon comings days
To know that in a few months
his body was to endure the seasons of heat and cold, summer and
winter, rain and snow
Will the red scarf fade into nothingness? There are different
beliefs on this kind of death, some say it is unforgiven, some that it
is sin, and some that it is sin but it is forgiven. Whatever the answer
I know that the red scarf, though it may
be a symbol of many things – we are given the promise –
“Though our sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as
snow, though they are like crimson they will be as wool

Book of Isaiah 1:18

There will not be a need for that red scarf covering the marks of self
infliction, for they have been made as white as snow, waiting for our
Lord’s Resurrection Day!

The gift of rest…

Good Friday eveningwhere the
sun is setting
And good-morning – where the sun
is rising
To all across the world!

Six days have come and gone in our busy week
A CANDLE FOR EACH DAY!
Good things come in 7’s – the
perfect number
A candle for the Sabbath Day
A DAY TO REMEMBER!

Taking care of ourselves as God takes care of us is the best way to take care of others!

Together now…

Then one day I was shown we must stop
this battle we owned – she took me aside and said she was sorry
we must become one – she and I
she said the split had caused
too much pain – she had gone into
hiding – she thought she could live
without me – and yet I could not live
without her
the anger we felt caused our division we were scared – we were ashamed – we thought each other was to blame!

We held each other with open arms – we sobbed – we wept
we had been torn in two – it hurts to be born again
we leave each other a legacy of love – now that we are one!

Two of us!

“It was as if her shadow was always there, two of us, yet we were one!”

There had seemed it was too much to bear, all of
these things had caused a split until I had to quit and turn away!

The trauma in my young life created two separate beings!
We were not sure who each of us were, then one day I
tried to talk to [ her], I told her my name, [she] said that
was her name too!
I was confused, how could there be two of us? I tried to
ignore her, but she was always there, we could not be broken apart
we tried again and again, as if she doesn’t really want to leave
it would break her heart!
We eat together, we sleep together, she whispers sad things
in my ears at night
We wear the same clothes, when I want to wear something
different, she says no
I try to learn to play, to be happy, but she is always sad and hides

I am so angry, I start to cry, tears flow, trying to catch them
before they fall, I must be the strong one after all
It goes on and on, the conflict increasing, this internal struggle with
each other, that one of us needs to leave we agree
we want to break away, but we can’t – we are attached
I really don’t think I can take much more!

But isn’t the promise that has been given to all ?
“No [trouble] has overtaken you, but such as is
common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow
you to be tempted above what you are able. . . . but will. . .
also make a way of escape that you may be able to bear it”
1 Corinthians 10:13