Together now…

Then one day I was shown we must stop
this battle we owned – she took me aside and said she was sorry
we must become one – she and I
she said the split had caused
too much pain – she had gone into
hiding – she thought she could live
without me – and yet I could not live
without her
the anger we felt caused our division we were scared – we were ashamed – we thought each other was to blame!

We held each other with open arms – we sobbed – we wept
we had been torn in two – it hurts to be born again
we leave each other a legacy of love – now that we are one!

Two of us!

“It was as if her shadow was always there, two of us, yet we were one!”

There had seemed it was too much to bear, all of
these things had caused a split until I had to quit and turn away!

The trauma in my young life created two separate beings!
We were not sure who each of us were, then one day I
tried to talk to [ her], I told her my name, [she] said that
was her name too!
I was confused, how could there be two of us? I tried to
ignore her, but she was always there, we could not be broken apart
we tried again and again, as if she doesn’t really want to leave
it would break her heart!
We eat together, we sleep together, she whispers sad things
in my ears at night
We wear the same clothes, when I want to wear something
different, she says no
I try to learn to play, to be happy, but she is always sad and hides

I am so angry, I start to cry, tears flow, trying to catch them
before they fall, I must be the strong one after all
It goes on and on, the conflict increasing, this internal struggle with
each other, that one of us needs to leave we agree
we want to break away, but we can’t – we are attached
I really don’t think I can take much more!

But isn’t the promise that has been given to all ?
“No [trouble] has overtaken you, but such as is
common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow
you to be tempted above what you are able. . . . but will. . .
also make a way of escape that you may be able to bear it”
1 Corinthians 10:13

The Attic…

“This house of ruptures could hold no more!”

After saying goodbye to my earthly father I sought
One to replace him. Due to the traumatic experiences of childhood,
a part of me. . . . [my inner child]. . . and I became confused, as if there was not
just one but two of us in conflict, seeking comfort and peace. The turmoil
kept me in a state of emotional distress, ready to succumb to the fiery flames
ready to consume me!

The foundation is weak, seeking its own level, rusty pipes
leak, joints creak. Red climbing roses speckled with paint
from decades of neglect has had its effects. The attic bares
the burden of this house of ruptures, storing baggage in rafters.

It is full and ready to blow, it has capacity to hold no more. I am
hesitant to go in, but that’s not strange, I left long ago! It was
too much for me, I split in two, leaving my child, a part of me
behind. But she followed me in my thoughts. In my dreams I
could hear her cry, in my nightmares she would scream. I can
bear it no longer, I have to return to claim what is rightfully mine.


Reaching in, pulling her out, now with me she shall remain. With
such weight, beams crumble, into the house falling. A soft glow of
orange erupts into red tongues of fire, consuming the rooms. A gust
of wind fans the blaze, until little remains but ashes and dust.

A few childhood remembrances that survived. The sole of a shoe that
once held my foot, now covered in soot. My pink dress smoldering in
cinders, a doll looking injured, with charred eyes and lips, her hair on
edge with scars on her head.

A book with singed ruffled edges opened to a nursery rhyme –
“And all fell down.” I am astounded!
Walking through the rubble, I see what trouble the
neglect of this house has caused. Sitting amidst ashes, tears begin
to fall, this house had been my body, the attic my thoughts. I really
didn’t want to leave, I did not know what else to do. If I had stayed,

I would have lost my mind. This house had been deserted, intertwined
with ropes and beyond repair. The pain it bore, tore a hole in my soul.
It must be restored, hinges and doors must be replaced, as well as
windows and doors. Who will do this, I must have Help? Thus the
search begins!

This poem is from my book ‘Weeping Child To Forgiving Child’

my love letter to God…

A sequel to ‘Love Letters To Daddy’
After saying my final goodbye. . . .

. . . . He then faded from my memory, as I began
to draw a picture of how I remembered him, until
my inkwell had become almost dry with the trace
of his image. My brush became heavy, the colors
became dark, until I was exhausted and I finally
gave up. He became nothing, as if he had never
existed, leaving an incomplete picture of a new Father
that must be created in my mind!

“It was You who took the churning waters billowing on the face of the deep.
In the darkness of swelling waves, crying aloud with
groaning pains waiting to give birth and be delivered. Before You spoke your Word

“Let there be light and life”* my existence was in Your thoughts. You patterned
my form when there was none.
A seed plunged into an empty womb, two beings creating a separate being as they
embraced in a moment of bliss. In an instant You wrote my life in indelible ink.
The beginning of a tiny infant is immersed in the embryonic fluid, my heart begins
pulsating life. Your plan for me is skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth!
But who am I to question why I was cast into circumstances beyond my control?


The chosen vessel carrying me is frightened, as her only awareness of life is of
abuse and neglect. Her thoughts permeated into my small mind, knitted
together, as sinews and flesh are fashioned about my tiny body. Engulfed with
her memories of long ago. While the blood racing through her body feeds the embryo
with a frightening adrenalin rush. I have to wait in that darkness just as the seed must
wait for the nurturing acts of God to bring forth life. I am called and reluctantly enter this
world. My first glimpse of life is not pleasant to my childish nature. I question as Job –


“Why did I not perish before I was born?”* A wall of separation comes crashing down
planting its steel bars into the chasm of the earth, culminating in an abrupt interruption
of time. You have said I must become as a little child, must I go back to the very
beginning of conception? Must I have the mind of a babe unmindful of its surroundings,
content to exist in each stage of formation?

If I could only shut my eyes and reflect on
the innocent mind of a child bathed in quintessential peace and tranquility. To be freed of these scattered thoughts. Ones that take me captive to another world of doubt and uncertainty,
quenching the Spirit and nullifying the goodness of God. I am helpless to know the answer
to these questionings, it is as if I were being drawn into a darkness of which I am powerless.


But perhaps this dark night of the soul has a purpose and a reason. That I need to embrace this
darkness, as the nocturnal labor pains of life experiences bring awareness of a Father that
has recreated the image of the one left behind!”
*Book of Genesis Chapter 1
*Book of Job Chapter 3:11


Happy first day of summer!

The summer solstice that marks the onset of summer!

Dear little heart – did I forget you? – Sad little heart –
did I leave you? – Brave little heart did I forsake you?

Happy little heart – I receive you!

Come close child, today will be our summer day
to laugh and play!
We will spend it together – visiting the sea – jumping
the wavesuntil the day has passed into the realm of
dreams – and deep – deep sleep rests – upon thee!

Love Letter #6

This is the final letter in a series of six
‘Letters to Daddy’ dedicated on this
Father’s Day of 2022 to all those who
struggle with an earthly father
image.

Here we are again, I remember all the

goodbyes before, you would hug me so

tight as I left your arms, I really don’t

know why I cried so hard, it was like

I would not see you again.

I’ve heard there is a special bond

between fathers and daughters.

and writing these letters have

really helped, I may not have

used the choicest of words, the

punctuation may not be correct,

but they have been written

from my heart.

And so I bequeath to you all my

wanderings and confusions,

the incorrect father image I

have imagined.

I had to let go of putting you

in God’s place.

Your image has slowly been

replaced, fading in the distance

and erased.

And when I fear I have been

left alone, I try to remember

it is not true, not believing

these lies, God is always here.
I truly forgive you for all you did
I know you didn’t mean it, you
were just too sick.

This is not the end of this

road we have traveled. I know

one day I will see you again,

for that is the plan. You will

appear in the resurrection.

My last will and testament

to those I love, is that my

children will be spared this

legacy I received in the past,

that they will share it

with others.

And so dear Daddy, I am

letting you go and saying

goodbye, but just for a time.

Thank you for listening to your

daughter’s last words, I look

forward to seeing you in the

hereafter!

Love Letters To Daddy #5

In a series of ‘A Father’s Day Reflection’

Letter #5

Well Daddy, here I am one more time, but I’m getting closer to the end of writing
these letters to you!
I mentioned before, I had had a difficult time, when I looked to God I saw a picture of you, and couldn’t get it out of my mind.

You know we had no values, nor religious ties, where it came from
I didn’t know at the time. I was confused and didn’t know what to do.
It struck me out of the blue with petrifying force, undermining the
very foundation of my being, already in a fragile state of grief and
fear. Tormenting thoughts brought me to my
knees, one thought was connected to another, forming a great circle.
Then I began to buckle with dismay as words came up from the
rear, forming a loop with a whole new group of words and numbers
pressing on my brain, with chains that squeeze and defy.
That’s what OCD and Scrupulosity* do!

As a rule the tools of psychology should work and maybe for a moment
they do, but like butterflies in my head, their wings never fly as high again.
I know this is difficult for you to hear, but after much help and many years
Daddy, it got better. Well I have more one more letter to write!

*The definition of “Scrupulosity’
Obsession with moral or religious
issues, a form of obsessive compulsive
disorder (OCD with a religious component)

Into the world of therapy and recovery…

There needed to be a reconciliation!

I had to recreate an image that I imagined

in my mind, the one as a child that I had

developed, one that was

unhealthy and deceiving. Why I loved my

father deeply, when he was not around,

and when he was he was inebriated and

unavailable, I don’t understand. It was

now time to recreate a healthy Father image.

I have written a book called

‘Love Letters To Daddy’ letters that had

to be written before I could let go of the

old and grasp the New…

~~~

LOVE LETTER #4

A Father’s Day reflection

Good morning Daddy, its your little girl!
It has been many years, do you remember me?
I have come to visit. I’ll just sit here by your side,
it has been such a long time since you died!

It is so quiet and peaceful. I see an image
of an angel guarding your grave, it is quite
strange,
I don’t know why this would be since you really
didn’t have any
angelic virtues that I could see. But I like reading
your name upon your stone, it helps me know you
really did exist.
Well Daddy, the ball always seemed to be in your
court,
you called the shots, you always seemed to be the
la-la man, having fun.
Tipping the bottle on the poker table with your
friends.
I wonder why I have given you free rent in my head?
Going through life believing what you said?
I thought you held the keys, and if I could please you
enough, I would be alright.
I know I have written several letters and just when I
think I have written enough, other things come to my
mind!
So I will write a few more letters, since these things are
cathartic and lessen the pain.
And perhaps this
child’s dark night of her soul will have a purpose and
a reason to help
others who question like I… Then that makes it alright!

Love letters to Daddy… letter #3

In an on going Series

A Father’s Day reflection

“I really tried my best Daddy, I really did”

Well, here I am once more. I already feel
a little relief, just putting these words in
pen and ink.


I know I mentioned it in my last letter
I had two little girls.
You would have loved them and would
have been a good grandpa, I know you
would have been.


But I knew in my heart I would never
raise them like me. And then I was
shown a way to keep them safe from the
pain I had seen.

And you know Daddy, even though I
tried my best, I struggled with the
things of my past. Wow Daddy, the
nightmares were awful and fearful thoughts
struck my mind. The thoughts just
wouldn’t stop.


Then there was placed in my heart a desire
to do better. A revelation was revealed.
I had a glimpse of something better.
A candle burst into flame, my soul had
been claimed.

Sitting in a pew I had been
guided to, the organ struck chords as from
the hymnal I sang. My heart rejoiced and
I was blessed!


Soon after this I was guided to the altar,

faltering at the solemnity of this place.


Choosing an austere journey,
one of piety and devotion, I was sure
this was the solution. But I was all mixed
up, I looked to this Power as I did to you.
I knew about His love in my head but not in
my heart. And then my thoughts
became even more frightening and almost
tore my heart and mind apart.

Well, dear Daddy, I keep rambling on,
and I have lots more to say in my next
letter to you!



Read more at: www.donnaspoetry.com


Love letters to Daddy…

Letter #2 In An Ongoing Series
A Father’s Day Reflection…

“She kept going into those buildings with flashing lights
for hours, even thought she would never win those games she
played, she went every day”


  • Well, after my visit I went back
    home and as usual we began moving
    around from town to town,
    schools had rules and I had to relearn
    each one.

  • I got into trouble Daddy, when I came
    back, I started chasing around, doing
    stupid things that you can only do in a
    mining town, with gambling, bars and
    fights.
     
    Those evil men did things to me that
    were not right. Many times I was up all
    night. Often there was no food.
    Sometimes if I was lucky a can of Dinty
    Moore Stew would do.

    I’m so glad you didn’t know this, your heart
    would have been broken in two, for all
    your child went through.

    But I wouldn’t be honest if I denied my
    anger. Where were you when I needed
    protection from danger?
    But Daddy, you would have been proud
    of me, I learned to survive.

    It is amazing what children can do
    when they try. I tried many things to
    protect myself.
    They were not the smart thing to do,
    but it was all I knew.

    I developed a set of rules to deal with
    the craziness of things. I somehow got
    through the years but there were many
    tears.

    I had difficulties with Mama. She was
    unbearable to live with and I wanted
    out of the trauma.
    She kept going into those buildings with
    flashing lights for hours. I stared in the
    windows waiting for her to come out,
    but she would never win those games
    she played, even though she would go
    every day.

    I thought the way was to get married at
    sixteen, and before you knew it I had
    two babies living in a mining town.
    But I knew in my heart I would never
    raise them like me. 

    Well, this is pretty long and you have
    bent your ear to hear this story.
    You know Daddy, I really appreciate you
    listening now, since you didn’t hear or
    see me when I was a child.

  • Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention,
    there will be mistakes in these letters,
    since they are written from a little girl’s
    heart,
    even though I’m a grown up now.

    I know you loved me Daddy, you just didn’t
    know what to do, your illness kept us apart.
    Well, I will visit you again soon, I have much
    more to say to you!
  • Read more at: www.donnaspoetry.com