Love Letters To My Daddy #2

“Well Daddy you would have been proud of me,
I learned to survive”

  • Well, after my visit I went back
    home and as usual we began moving
    around from town to town,
    schools had rules and I had to relearn
    each one.
    I got into trouble Daddy, when I came
    back, I started chasing around, doing
    stupid things that you can only do in a
    mining town, with gambling, bars and
    fights. 
    Those evil men did things to me that
    were not right. Many times I was up all
    night. Often there was no food.
    Sometimes if I was lucky a can of Dinty
    Moore Stew would do.
    I’m so glad you didn’t know this, your heart
    would have been broken in two, for all
    your child went through.
    But I wouldn’t be honest if I denied my
    anger. Where were you when I needed
    protection from danger?
    But Daddy, you would have been proud
    of me, I learned to survive.
    It is amazing what children can do
    when they try. I tried many things to
    protect myself.
    They were not the smart thing to do,
    but it was all I knew.
    I developed a set of rules to deal with
    the craziness of things. I somehow got
    through the years but there were many
    tears.
    I had difficulties with Mama. She was
    unbearable to live with and I wanted
    out of the trauma.
    She kept going into those buildings with
    flashing lights for hours. I stared in the
    windows waiting for her to come out,
    but she would never win those games
    she played, even though she would go
    every day.
    I thought the way was to get married at
    sixteen, and before you knew it I had
    two babies living in a mining town.
    But I knew in my heart I would never
    raise them like me. 
    Well, this is pretty long and you have
    bent your ear to hear this story.
    You know Daddy, I really appreciate you
    listening now, since you didn’t hear or
    see me when I was a child.
    Oh, and one thing I forgot to mention,
    there will be mistakes in these letters,
    since they are written from a little girl’s
    heart,
    even though I’m a grown up now.
    I know you loved me Daddy, you just didn’t
    know what to do, your illness kept us apart.
    Well, I will visit you again soon, I have much
    more to say to you!

Love Letters To My Daddy

Daddy, you were bombed last night.
I remember windows reflecting
Light, the morning after, as I quietly come
To see if you are alright. Hiding behind a
Newspaper, you are unable to look in
Your little girl’s eyes. Slowly moving to your
Side I want to say, “please, don’t send
Me away.”
Alcohol vapors from a glass sting my nose.
Oh Daddy, you were the one, with the
Clickety-click-click of the tongue and the
The crazy songs you sung. Where did Mama
Go? I think she got tired and left.
I remember her pouring water from bottles
Down the drain, but it had a funny smell,
I really couldn’t tell.
Who is this strange lady in your house?
The one wearing a negligee. You both
Swing and sway from room to room,
Then pass out on the bed. Sounds of
Heavy breathing are alarming, I am
Confused and don’t know what to do.
I begged you not to drink. I’m sorry I
Made you drink.
Well my visit with you is almost done,
And I will soon be sent away. Really
Daddy, will you send me back to
Those abusers and their evil ways?
Oh, I don’t understand, I didn’t
Think you loved me, but now I
Know you did, you were just too
Sick, you couldn’t do any better.
Oh, don’t make me leave, don’t make
Me go back to that smelly shack.
Your pungent smell of vinegar, cukes
And alcohol are better that that.
That fifth of whiskey made you awful
Thirsty, remember how you swerved
On those LA freeways, taking me to
The bus, not a word was said between
Us?
The roar of the engines and exhaust
Fumes, carried me to a place I would
Rather not go.
Well Daddy, I remember these things
Whether you do or not. So I am
Writing you some letters, in the hope
To be free of the pain they have
Caused!

“Oh Daddy, you were the one with the clickety-click- click of the tongue”

Romancing Of The Stone

“Then one day I felt buried beneath them”
  • ~This poem is based on a mental illness called
    ‘Scrupulosity’
    One metaphoric definition is ‘Like a sharp
    Stone or stabbing pain in the shoe’

    ~~The stone in my shoe was small,
    Hardly noticeable at all,
    How it got there I did no know,

    Over time it grew and broke in two,
    Maybe if I got another pair of shoes
    That would do,

    Getting taller as I grew, my shoes got
    Tighter my feet began to fester,
    The smooth stone became sharper
    Causing pain,

    Through life the stone crumbled
    Into several stones building a wall,
    Each building upon another,

    Until the strain was just too much,
    In vain I tried to build this wall
    My brain kept telling me this
    Is enough but I refused the help
    That was offered,

    It had no foundation I had rejected
    the cornerstone*
    Setting up my own system,

    I began to hate the stones I used
    And tried to remove them
    But the more I did they seemed to
    Increase

    Then one day I felt buried beneath
    Them, 
    I had hidden behind this wall so
    Long I could not find a way out,
    I was trapped,

    The stones wrapping about me
    with my calloused hands and
    Broken heart,

    What would I ever do? When a
    Thought came to my mind,

    If it weren’t for the stone in all
    Its imperfection causing this
  • Duress that constantly happened,

    I would not become refined
    I would go through life thinking
    I was fine,

    But the stone in all its roughness
    Had through fire and flame been
    Tested

    I then had to to romance it,
    It became a polished stone!

    A beautiful gem with a precious
     Cornerstone as a sure foundation,
    The prize of all my possessions!

    *Book of Isaiah Chapter 28:16















    Sent from my iPad

11

Damaged Parts

“I lost a lot of pieces in the diseases…how can I be put
back together again?

Words of a child once abused and forgotten
  • I am a grownup now with
    A little girl’s heart
    I offend easily so please
    Don’t expect too much

  • I wish I could do what 
    You want, to be generous
    With my heart
    To be the person you want
     Me to be

    But I just can’t it has been
     Broken apart

    I cry, I weep, I tried to be
    The best for your sakes
    But I lost a lot of pieces in
     The diseases

    How can I be put back
    Together again?

    Maybe a little grease or a
    Bottle of glue and some
    Stickers too?

    Thinking this was the answer
    To my damaged parts torn
    red

    I even tried to sew with a
    Needle and thread, this is
    Madness

    Am I to fix a fractured body
    I just can’t?
    But there is One who can
    Do what I can’t do

    One that will bind my
    Bruises and wounds and
    Make me well again!

10

Clock On The Mantle

“Half past four I fell asleep, forgetting the
mother I expected to come through the door”

  • The clock on the mantle 
    Struck half past ten 
    The hour to retire for
    Most women and men

    I listened to the clock
    Heard a knock on the door
    I looked no one was there

    Half past two still awake
    With nothing to do

    Half past four I fell asleep
    Forgetting the mother I had
    Expected to come through the
    Door

    A gust of wind blew through
    The window
     Death came in with a shroud
    On his face

    He came to take me
     Not yet was my plea I  have
    More to do, much to undo

    Death agreed to let me stay
     He gathered his cloak about
    Him and went on his way

    I suddenly awoke knowing
     This was just a dream!



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Father Of Lights

“It seems such a long way between You and I”
  • Father Of Lights

    From a child’s perspective…

    Oh Father of lights,
    Do You live in the sky?

    Do you look out Your
    Window from your 
    Home on high?

    At the sun in the morning
    light?

    Are you the Man in the
    Moon, shining moonbeams
    On the stars

    To see how far they will fly?
    You are so far, I can’t jump 
    That high

    Or maybe ride on a kite
    But it won’t fly that high

    It seems such a long way
    Between You and I

    Some say you are light,
     Would you be too bright to
    Look upon? 

    I don’t understand what
     It really means but it says
    You are loving and kind

     So I will bid You goodnight
    And thank You for light
    However it comes!




     



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