“As a flower springing forth, ready to bloom”

A couple of days ago, I ran into

My two daughters in the store.

It was a fun time seeing them

Together, shopping for their new

Homes. Later they bought me

Some clothes, which I didn’t

Really need, (since COVID 19)

My closet is full and there is

No where to go

My one daughter and

Her husband just retired here

And we are excited to be one

family again, I thought to

Myself, and was grateful to

See them happy doing things

That girls do. Later my daughter

Mentioned that she hadn’t

Realized until now that I had

Not experienced this kind of

Pleasure, she was right, as

A young girl I did not learn

This type of behaviour we

Were very poor, I did not

Have a nurturing mother, as I

Know she did not as well.

I began to fall into a place where

I knew better, but I started

Feeling like I had not given to

My children what I yearned to

Give, I had missed out on

Being a mother I would have

Liked to have been


Why did I do it? Where was

My mind?

Why could I not see it?

I thought it the right thing to do

I did not question why!

I just went about life trying to


I was a follower, I was wIlling to

Do anything

Under the auspices of Godliness

I was sure I did all the right

Things to please others

To make sure I lacked nothing

I even gave up lipstick and rouge

Eye shadow too

But when I looked in the mirror

Even with all I had done, I was

False, cracks in the mirror proved that

From the frown reflecting back

This was an illness I carried


As a flower springing forth

Ready to bloom, when a hot

Wind blows it withers and dies before

It has a chance to survive

My heart sighs I cry over years

Gone by

Of times I lost with my children

Trying to prove my worth

Ignoring the ones to whom I gave


The yearnings of my heart will

Not bring these things back

But perhaps I did the best I

Could for the war I went through in my


These years could not go on

I would learn a different

Way to live, one of acceptance

Just as I am!

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Accepted And Forgiven

“Even as a young girl hoping to be a cheerleader, I felt rejection”

On my walk this morning I saw cheerleaders practicing on

The school football field. It brought back a memory of when

I was a young girl I tried out for cheerleading and wasn’t accepted.

It was just another rejection among many I felt.

Later on as a young adult I was converted to Christianity and

Due to faulty thinking on my part I wasn’t able to grasp the

Belief of my acceptance with God. It was like the feeling I had of

Trying out for a cheer leader and never feeling good enough.

I later on in life, unfortunately in midlife,I was diagnosed with

OCD, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. And even later I had a

Component of OCD, Scrupulosity. Over concern with religious

Issues, of not being good enough to be received by God.

And then a friend picked up a brochure called ‘Scrupulous

Anonymous’ and gave it to me. It was a great revelation and

Answered the reasons why I had so much concern with acceptance,

And all it’s engaging components, never feeling good enough

Or confessing enough, etc.

One of the articles in the monthly issue was so helpful I

Wanted to share it if anyone else has had these doubts and fears

Concerning their relationship with God

A reader shared this question

‘Why do I feel when I confess my sins, that they are never good

Enough. Inspite of all of my efforts I have no peace, the minute

I leave the prayer of forgiveness, I think of something I had


And I love the answer from the author of this newsletter!

‘You will never “out-detail” your scrupulosity…my best advice to you

Is to STOP!

Throw in the towel. Admit you cannot do this!

The task is impossible!

Instead practice accepting the mercy of God

Even in your incompleteness.

Instead of focusing on the prayer of forgiveness (of which

You have already been forgiven).

You have a serious disorder, you need the comfort that

Can be wrought from the prayer of anointing the sick.’

This is taken from the ‘Scrupulous Anonymous’


May 2020: which can be viewed on line or received

By mail monthly

Some words I changed, and due to the length of

This post, have been shortened

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The Chimney Sweepers

“George Brewster, the last chimney sweep child”

When I started writing it was to work through issues that had
dogged my path a good share of my life. A story of abuse that
had left many lingering scars. I eventually worked through
some of it, and was led in a different direction in my writing,
one that was much more positive.

Looking back on my experiences and spending much retrospect,
I started thinking about my heritage, which was of English descent,
and started reading what life would have been like in the 1800’s
in England, and what I read of the living conditions were
horrendous, children made to work long hours, many in mines
with many lives taken, people living together in one room for
lack of proper housing, water that was polluted, deprived of
food, children who became chimney sweepers due to their smallness often dying from the dangers they experienced, and the thought
came to me, do I have the audacity to
even give my upbringing a second thought? The sufferings of
those children far exceeded my own.
How did a child who’s roots go back to this type of living,
conceived in the twentieth century in a modern era of
a middle class family, who in all means more prosperous,
and yet was afflicted with alcoholism, that devastated a family,
with children sent away. On a scale of 1 to 10, how would the
suffering be rated the highest? I think we all know the
answer to that. And yet what would have happened if I hadn’t
taken the time to question the issues in life that kept me
bound to the past?
If I had not the desire to share with others my story?
London burned that night in the great fire
of 1666
Every house, chamber and stall destroyed
Brick and wood turned to cinder
A man of late retire had too much to drink
Stoking up a tinder flame
Jumping up the chimney stack
Scattering across the sky
Ashes falling on neighboring towns
People filled with fear and dread
‘What if this happened again’ they said?
Edicts and warnings were sent
‘Chimneys must be narrow and clear
Of soot and debris’
’‘But who would do this” they asked?
Many mothers dying, their children
sold by fathers
With twisting and turnings in narrow
Chimneys they were hired
Lean and small with brushes and bags
They cleaned all day and half the night
In their sleep they weep and pray for
Every loft hearing their cough from dust,
coal and fumes, midst plumes of smoke
narrowly escaping
Evil men made a trade, merciless and
George Brewster had a hard night of sleep
arising early
A twelve year old lad sweeping all day
Got stuck in a wall of flame
They tried to save him, police were called
Bringing attention to this child abuse
But George died
The children’s plight was discovered
Hearths and flues owned by rich and
Elite would no longer be stained with
Children’s lives
George gave his life that these children
Would be set free
Many children were saved, for it was
Proclaimed in all of England, no longer
Would children be Chimney Sweepers!

Dirty Laundry, Potato Chips And Flies

“I Swept And Scrubbed And Washed The Best I Could”

Landing in the last mining

Town in a puff of smoke

In a small little town about

Fives miles below Virginia City

And the Comstock Load

A very steep grade with

Twists and turns between

Dotted with old mining shacks

And mills on the distant hills

No where to go, a nice little

Family, a man, his mother and

Son and daughter lived in a

House beside the road

A two level house, with a

Small apartment they so

Graciously shared

A tall wood stove with a

Chimney stack sat on the

Wall on the west,

A couple of skinny looking

Beds with the dirtiest sheets

That a person had ever seen

On the east wall a sink with

Dirty dishes and an icebox

With no food

And a small table and chairs in the


A lantern we used at night stunk

Of kerosene

I was so hungry that day and

Went up stairs where my

Friend and I would play

It was summer time and

The old screen door with

Holes and tears couldn’t

Keep the flies out and there

Was a bowl of potato chips

With like a dozen flies

I didn’t care and reached for

Some chips when the father

Scolded me for what I did

I felt shame that day, little

Did he know there wasn’t

Even a morsel of food in

Our little shanty below

My mother, off to her jobs

And gambling halls didn’t

Come home very often

We pretty much fended for

Ourselves, my brother and I

I don’t know why but I was so

Ashamed of the dirt we lived in

The sheets were a faded brown

For hadn’t seen a wash in a very

Long time

One day my mother came home

With a mop and bucket, why

You would have thought she had

Given me a gold locket I was

So glad

I swept and scrubbed, and tried

To wash the sheets in an old iron


Funny, I never did feel like I got

Them clean…

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Three Little Kittens

“And They Began To Cry”

When I was three years old I remember my mother dressing

Me up to recite the poem –

Three Little Kittens

They have lost their mittens

And they began to cry

Oh mother dear we have lost our mittens…

Oh you naughty little kittens, then you shall have

No pie…

I vaguely remember being promised ice cream if I

Performed well

I don’t have too many memories, but this is one

I think that left the message, because of my


I could not receive my mother’s love

One I would long for and possibly never find

I would be denied even a slice of pie, sweetness gone


~~~~Like an omen cast on troubled waters

Oh child you have been smitten

Oh let me swim little baby she cries

Let me swim away

A basket cradle has been woven

To protect you child

Oh let me swim, swim away

Oh no little child you must

Wait till your arms are stronger

So rest a little longer

Rest a little sounder

One day your eyes will open wider

Floating on still waters

Denied love no longer

Sweetness no longer bitter

You will swim far, far away

Afraid no longer!

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The Great Deluge

“Like the great deluge of waters that covered the earth,
Are we facing a new deluge covering our lands,
COVID 19?”

Some say this Pandemic is a hoax, some disagree, but
could this phenomena be equated with those that
happened centuries ago?

An onslaught of water disrepaired

A perfect creation gone astray

Gods children had strayed

Until that final decision left God with

No choice, but to erase the results

Of crime and decay

To cleanse the earth from its evil ways

The people looked upon this scene

With laughter, sneering

A silly old grey headed man noticed

Not, he just kept on building his ark

The gates of peaceful waters unhinged

Torrents and floods broke through

The leviathan once forging the deep

Is tossed about, as the humped back

Whale, he became distraught

A great ship bearing eight people

And animals two of a kind, sped

Over trembling waters

And when Noah, his wife, three sons

And their wives lay down to sleep

Their boat shook and shuddered

The planks muttered with labor pains

About to give birth to a new world

Of the old none would remain

Loosing track of days and nights

Of darkness, only light from

Visiting angels wafting their wings

With heavenly light

Claps of thunder roaring

Holding on with each other

For dear life

But God had said, forty days

And nights then you shall emerge

Replenishing the earth

And they remembered His

Promise, no sea nor

Pain of this global event

Could prevent this ship

For it bore the progenitor

Of man and beast

Even though the waves increased

And when God looked down with a

Frown on His face

And saw the devastation

He had to take

Never again would he destroy with waters

What he had made

A tower of safety with its watchful

Eye would always follow the sailor’s


He blew upon the deep as the boat

Slowly floated to Mt Ararat, hidden from

View, and it takes a lot of faith to

Believe all that

And centuries later another great event arose,

Ten in all, plagues sent

On a haughty king that refused

To believe, to let God’s people go

His servants laughed at the words

Of God’s humble man

Spurning his warning

But he and his armies all died

In the depths where a road had

Been divided

D own through the ages

Many more disasters fell

These calamities spurned as well

Again a remonstrance from above

“Bring all your children apart as

Another great deluge has fallen”

A great pandemic encompasses

Our globe

Some with fear, some with lack

Of heeding the warnings told, refusal

To comply with safety protecting

And so the havoc of COVID 19 is


Could this be the beginning of the

Four horsemen and their warning

Spilling their potions on the lands

In mourning?

John of Patmos, called deranged

His message and his writings spurned as


Escaped a boiling pot of oil

persecuted for his faith, down

through the ages his writings

presented to kings and royalty

often rejected

But God’s love is inviting all to

Come, receiving protection from

all of these things

For where else can we go?

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Saving Our Children

Our Children Are Gifts From Above

Far be it from anyone’s imagination, that in our lifetime and our

Children’s, we would be put in the dire situation we find ourselves in.

Our children are our most treasured possessions and we want the

Very best for them. The questions that have arisen from this

Pandemic are many. Will our schools open this fall, and if so

Will parents send them in these fearful times?

It is frightening for many as we wonder what our children are

Thinking, having to wear masks and the need to remain

Distant from each other. It is important that we teach them

Courage and hope, to know that there is a God who

Can help them. One that has created this world and everything

In it, that His hand is over all that dwell within it!

He Made Oceans And Streams

God made heaven and earth, the moon and stars and air to

Breathe, it was very pretty but it was empty.

God Made Day And Night

And God said “I will first make fish to swim in the waters”

Big fish and little fish. The sky was very quiet and still, so God

Made birds to fly and sing.

The Animals Were Fun To Watch

And then He made animals, giraffes, elephants, tigers and monkeys.

They Were Very Happy

He made Adam and Eve and a special garden for them

To live in.

And God Loved Them Very Much

He was pleased with all these things He had made in just six days,

And on the seventh day He rested!

To continue to read the rest of ‘God’s Story Book’ visit

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Sheep Safely Grazing

“A Lovely Pastoral Scene”

A famous German composer, during the Baroque period of

The early 1700’s, composed a piece often played at weddings.

“Johann Sebastian Bach”

“Sheep may safely graze and pasture

In a watchful Shepherd’s sight.

Those who rule with wisdom guiding

Bring to hearts a peace abiding

Bless a land with joy made bright.”

“We seem to stray from the fold of safety, but upon
His lambs there is ever a Watchful Eye”

A lovely pastoral scene,

It inspired me to write a story

In a secular verse.

A lost lamb in an arid land

How it had wandered far from

The flock.

Timid and shy, unable

Its way from danger back.

The ravine between

Deep and confining

Its cry bleating then slowly fainting.

The sheep in safety still abiding”

Following their shepherd

Wherever he leads them.

Upon a midnight’s sleep,

Awakening, counting his sheep

Venturing into the night,

For one was missing.

Oh, children upon earth

Like wandering lambs,

Searching for a Shepherd

In a land of danger, suffering the

Hand that harms them

The Lamb of God with an

Ever watchful eye attends,

His rod and staff

Securely leads them.

Their bruises and hurts, their minds

And hearts with oils He soothes

With righteousness and truth

Smoothing their paths

Spreading a table before their foes

Their cup overflows

In the valley of death they do not fear

For in the house of their

Lord there is no despair

A room to hold them in that great

Mansion He has prepared, dwelling


“The rod and staff leads them”

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Last Night’s Dream

“A Belfry Tower Sits High Above”

With the Pandemic seeming to heighten and many more taking

Masks and social distancing seriously, there is fear, for no one

Knows what is to come. Ironically, we have no where to go,

Our houses of worship, normally offering our need to have

Words of courage and hope, are unavailable. Doors are

Locked and we know not when they will reopen. The other

Day I saw a church sitting high on a hill and these words

Came to my mind –

Last night I had a dream,
of a house once full of light,
a belfry tower sits high above,
inviting all to come.
A home for all the weary and
contrite, a house full of praise
and joy.

In the second month of a new
decade, the year 2020,
many made a resolution
to have a better year than last,

when suddenly intervened,

for a great pandemic has
spreading across the earth.

Churches, temples and synagogues
here and abroad

are suddenly closed and locked.
Pews once full of people now
are empty.

No rest and peace are found.
The wavering candle’s flame
has been extinguished,

light shadowed with
darkness, where now shall we go
to worship?
But are we not God’s temple
dwelling within us, serving
one another? Lifting each other
when we fall? Doing His will
honoring Him…
We are given hope in God’s word,
though we may not have
a temple or a church to worship

*Quoting the vision given to John
the Revelator,
“But I saw no temple in the city…
It had no need of the sun or the
moon to shine on it, (for there shall
be no night there) the Lord God is its
And the gates are never locked!

Revelation Chapter 21 in God’s Word

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Ideation To Intervention

“Negative Thoughts Can Be Intervened With
Positive Ones”

As I mentioned in my last few posts, this is a challenging

Time. The death of my son occurred in the month of July.

He took his life, and with much grief I have tried to work

Through the ravaging effects it has left on myself and my


Two years after this I attempted to also take mine. The

Frightening thing about this is it came on suddenly, I

Did not plan it. I remember the day before I had stood at

The doctor and therapists office with the thought if they

Did not help me I did not know how I would ever make it.

I went home with a despair that I had no idea I had.

The next day something clicked in my head, reaching

For a bottle of pills, I locked my dogs in my apartment, and

Headed for the store, where I bought a bottle of wine,

Which was out of the ordinary, for I never drink, and then

Drove up a lonely road.

There is a name for thoughts of suicide ideation, but I did

Not plan this at this time.

When my son was found, it hit with such force that at

That time I did have the thoughts but was unable to

Complete them. They say that when someone does

Complete the act, it has an enormous effect on family and

Friends. It can cause a cluster effect.

I had many times in the past wish I could die, and

Wondered on occasion why I didn’t. As a young girl

My mother and I were standing on a corner waiting

For a bus and I fainted. I had cut my leg (by accident)

On a rusty nail and I had hid it from my mother, I

Had blood poison, and by all rights I should have died.

I think all of us can look back on incidences that

Should have taken us but by some force we were

Spared. I remember driving down a steep grade and

The brakes went out. Again I was spared. I believe

God intervened in the times we were spared, for

There was a plan to use us in ways we before hand

Did not understand.

I have written a couple of poems to relate my experience

With this ugly illness.



It was a sudden decision, a force

Grabbed my mind, to all things

On earth I was blind.

I was done!

A warm summer evening, with

Beauty all around, that I would

Never again look upon.

A bottle of pills and a bottle of

Wine would do this job just fine.

Driving up the road past homes

Of friends, I did not realize the pain

My decision would bring.

But this would only be for a time.

Friends would soon forget, I would

Be forgotten, as time went on.

The sun began to set, as I parked

The car on a far off road.

My last night on earth, taking

One more look, shadows lingering

Upon the hills. I twisted the cork,

Tipping the bottle to my lips,

Taking the bottle of pills, with one

More look at the lavender hills.

Falling asleep, death would be a

Sweet release.

Suddenly I awoke to the sound of

Words, I was placed on a stretcher,

They were trying to keep me alive.

I was angry, “why God was I not

Taken, did You have something

Else in mind, did I try to stop my

Clock, just for You to rewind?”

This was my intention, but He had

Plans of intervention. The answer

To this question would come in


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