Something was brought to my attention recently,
That dredged up memories that I would rather had
Hoped been resolved. Some of us remember the
Horror stories of madmen that took their own power
In the name of religion. Jim Jones, David Karesh,
Along with other cults (perhaps not as blatantly
Defiant in the name of God as they) but never the less
Exercising abuse and control of their people, and every once in
Awhile popping up its ugly head in mainstream churches as well)
Nor has it only been narrowed to groups of minorities,
By any means.
This most recent one I have heard about has been around for
Years, now rapidly spawning into a similar group as the
Others, here and in other countries.**Same mind control,
child abuse, etc. that are wrapped in a package with a
Pretty bow, but when opened, it spews its tentacles
Drawing people in until they are captive and unable to
Free themselves from the cult activities.
And the frightful part is that there are more out there that
We are not aware of. They operate on shame and silence
To keep their members under control, threatening lives
If daring to leave.
Bringing up these issues, there is a paradigm effect
Of how I created my own unique set of cult activity,
Slowly preparing me for not a peaceful existence
For which I had so laboriously striven to procure.
In growing up I had no set of values, no healthy models
But I remember at an early age resolving to choose
A different path than the one I had traveled as a child.
But as it turned out, I found myself looking for a leader
To lead me and tell me what to do. Many do that, disenchanted
With life. And I was one of them!
Certainly not to blame the faith community I had chosen,
There were many good and upright principles in their approach
For salvation, which was the main object above all objects that
I so much desired.
It was like I set myself up for guidance and direction in all
My behaviors. I don’t know what instigated such strong
Desires, since our lives were without any sense of obligation.
(In looking back I know that it was placed in my heart from
Another One than myself)
The first requirement was to remove all makeup and jewelry
To dress plainly, that I may be a Godly spectacle to the
World. To always put others first, ministering to them.
Now please understand that this was not all comprised by
The leaders and members, and not to blame them. It was just
That that was how I perceived it.
I, in my pious way, would look to others instead of to God.
I remember looking to nuns and wondering if they had peace
That was a product of their pious ways. The only thing I
Lacked was a habit, which in those days were not delineated
To street wear as now allowed in the clerical field.
One alarming thing that all of these religious control
Issues had, was taking innocent children, and as this
Last group I have mentioned, breaking down their wills,
Even hitting them with sticks that they will show
Obedience to their parents and leaders. Inflicting upon
Them an already distorted view of a loving God,
instilling a need to practice acts of abuse to their
Bodies and minds, endeavoring to seek love
And exceptance. Blocking the realization
‘we are saved by grace and not of anything we
can do, it is a gift of God’
Now here is where the pain begins to be exemplified.
As a young mother, just beginning in my ruthless
Endeavors (not having physically abusing my children)
I ignored them, performing my meaningless rituals.
Trying to receive what had already been graciously provided.
But I could not comprehend it at that time.
Needless to say, my relationship with my children
Was devoid of a normal love between mothers and daughters
That many experience.
My nemesis of all of this, is that in all my efforts of
Escaping what I had experienced as a child,
Desiring above all else to see my children spared,
My approach had no values of its own, not making sense,
Like adding fuel to an already combusting fire.
It took many years to understand what I was doing, and
Then trying to reconcile, with demonstrative pleadings.
I can gratefully say they have been understanding, but while
In their process of understanding and forgiveness, I have had
To patiently wait, with much prayer.
That is often gifted to an abusive parent, humbling in its own way.
Even with no intention of creating this complicated set of events,
Hoping that the relationships long deferred will bring about
The fruits so long desired.
I have always had a serious problem with rejection, and
It has caused much grief, especially from a child, but the
Upside of all of this has brought me to a realization of
What it may have looked like to the child, the trauma she
Experienced, not just mine. And I feel a sense of relief
From the rejection I have struggled with, a weight has been
Lifted, one that has been borne a long time! This is truly
Amazing and well taken note! One other issue I must
Address is to not cowardly react when resentment appears
To me personally,
But to stand up for myself which has been a short coming
This has not been well critiqued, written from an emotional
Point of view, there may be repetitive usage of words and
**The Yellow Deli Cult