One of the things I remember distinctly when I would
Visit my father, even with his state of alcohol consumption,
He would hug me so tight it almost squeezed the breath
Out of me. I knew he loved me but as a child I could not
Understand why he would not let me stay with him, that
He had a devastating illness.
When I went home, if only I could have stayed with him
Things would be alright.
With my brief visits I would leave in tears. Over the few
Years of course, he died much too early.
And then my fixation began to find him through many
Things to fill the longing of love I so desperately needed.
I had written ‘the love letters’ four years ago under
Very difficult circumstances, but finding it a cathartic experience
In some ways.
Several times I have reviewed them and thinking maybe I had all
The resolution I needed.
I know I wrote them in a rather crude fashion, but then my
Experiences were crude.
Then as I am reviewing them once again to post, hoping they would
Be helpful for someone, I find that there is still healing effects.
Just last night I awoke with a dream that my father appeared and
Wrapped his arms around me, something I have longed for and I
Excitedly called my brother to come and also receive our father’s
The remarkable part of all this, is as a young adult I was
Converted to Christianity,
Seeking solace for the missing father in my life. I shared this with
My brother and he also received the invitation to accept a Father
Who desires to wrap His arms about us with heavenly hugs far
Beyond what we were denied as children.
And I will continue to post some of the ‘letters’ that explain
The process and struggles that were necessary to replace
my earthly father image with an ever present Father.