May you find rest and peace at the close of this hectic week!
All things in the past forgiven, resting places have arisen! The magic number seven, opens the door of heaven, a busy week of six, one day given for rest that all may be blest!
“Come with me, to a lonely place where you can rest quietly” Mark 6:31 New English Bible
People bereaved by the sudden death of a loved one or family member are 65% more likely to attempt suicide if the deceased died by suicide than if they died by natural causes *UCL
I found this to be true. . .
What would the world do without me? I thought I would see. . . My life would go on only in memory. I’d had enough – and so I thought – BUT God had plans of intervention!
INTENTION
I remember standing at the desk that day, I knew if the doctor could not help me, I would not make it. And yet I had felt that way before, for two years since the fatal attempt of my son’s life. But this time was – different!
STRUGGLE
Later on that day, the warm summer evening was with beauty all around, but I knew I would never again look upon. It was as if a compelling force took hold of my mind. Grabbing the bottle of pills, I drove to the store (for some reason I knew I would need a bottle of wine to secure this intention) even though I had never purchased a bottle or tasted of it before. I then drove up the road past homes of friends, feeling alone, but it would only be for a time.
ATTEMPT
As the sun began to set, I parked the car, praying for release from my heavy burdens. Then on my last night on earth, taking one more look at the shadows lingering upon the hills, I twisted the cork, tipping the bottle, then taking the pills, I fell asleep – death to me would be a sweet release.
INTERVENTION
Suddenly I awoke, as I was placed on a stretcher – people all around trying to keep me alive. I was angry! Why God, was I not taken from this world? Did you have something more in mind? Did I try to stop my clock for you to rewind? As I came to my senses the sound of the ambulance was rushing to the hospital. A 72 hour hold (by law when an attempt is made) was placed upon me, which in my case was extended.
COMMITTED
I have been placed among many people who are very ill struggling with challenges we all had in common, some more intense than others. I did not quite understand their tight hold on life. Laying awake at night to the sound of moans and screams, of nurses rushing in to control those restrained to their beds. With my stay, the space of time emptied into remoteness, days lost their existence, I was forced to face my anger and resentments.
RELEASED
The door closes behind me. I am released back into the world of obstacles. Feeling the warm sun on my skin, breathing fresh air, hearing the sounds of cars as they speed by. The sound of an airplane, the whistle of the train, people moving back and forth. Will I succeed in facing the world with medications and sedation? I have reservations as I leave this place. The world had gone on without me, not knowing or caring why I had suddenly left for a time. No one understands the apprehension I feel. Will family and friends reject me, will they lose credibility in me, will the stigma of this attempt follow me? Would there be resources available for those who survive their attempts of self harm, for family and friends left behind?
King David had many losses in his life and was continually fleeing from his enemies, until he felt as a dove without a song – lost and forgotten! He wrote this song ‘The Silent Dove In Distant Lands.’ Have we ever felt like a bird in a cage, who has lost its song? Alone, without family or friends? Pursued by our enemies? As David, we can place our enemies in God’s hands.
“Whenever I am afraid I will trust in You” Psalm – Chapter 56 “And He will put a new song in our mouth . . .” Psalm 40
After tragedy and lossthe body holds memories sympathizing with the mind, which seems to compartmentalize suppressing thoughts and emotions. Numbness is a safety shield, dealing with pain, for to deal with it all at once is overwhelming. It takes time to grieve, to gradually make the decision to walk away. Letting go is not in our timing. I’ve found it repetitious, like moving from one room to another, with conflicting messages . . .
Each time I walk into this room it is strangely quiet bare and empty, but for a few pieces of old furniture old and worn the windows are closed without a breath of air, tired and lonely from memories and cares it has refused to share
It is in mourning, quiet and still, it portrays a lack of honesty and wears a costume of despair whenever I venture in it is hard to leave, locked inside with its loneliness and self defeat
One day I looked in a room beside it with some pictures on the wall, and little things began to happen giving a clue, the two rooms were slowly coming together, shifting their weight, holding each other
Little urges appeared gradually pulling the drapes, allowing the light to diffuse the darkness, from starless nights and sunless days
Knocking on the door, I am reluctant to go in but gathering courage, I offer to help with this room perhaps I could share a bed, a dresser with sheets of peace and a blanket of comfort and a chest of hope windows with curtains, cleaning with a little water and soap
With a welcoming spirit it invites me in, now we are not just a room but a house of our own!
I have tried everything else, trying to escape, not able to think climbing the Ladder of Grief The steps of the ladder do not always come in order, sometimes I slip, falling back on the rungs of the others
Sometimes it wavers and then begins to fall, holding on with dear life,I tread these steps, thinking I have achieved, then suddenly it changes
Climbing these steps in theory, why can’t they all happen at once? And then I see – THERE ARE FIVE STEPS IN ALL
DENIAL
ANGER
SHAME
BLAME 5. ACCEPTANCE
OF ALL THESE – ACCEPTANCE IS THE ANSWER TO THEM ALL!
A short series on grief and acceptance, not necessarily in order for the steps of grief and recovery rarely are. . .
There are different meanings for the number 711! One is the popular [Angel 711] meaning that you need to let go of the past, forgive others and yourself. Some consider it a lucky number, but for me it is an ominous number.!
I wrote the following, 11 years ago on this day after a calamitous loss. The following is a very short synopsis of a painful journey over twists and turns, over mountains and grievous thoughts. . .
It was never thought to happen One of those things that happens to someone else but never to her
A forbidding call she is shaking a child missing never returning
To stay or go she is wondering desiring to journey along with him
Watching him grow, playing and laughing, always hoping and praying his life would be happy and lasting
Mother and son no longer bonding one night deciding, seeming to be best, it would be loving, it is just too much, such awful thoughts
9 months carrying him, body feeding him, a womb providing a room for him to grow in
This is a testing, thoughts increasing nothing is helping, can’t explain the feelings, hoping this is passing, there is blaming, there is shaming
Back and forth driving, twists and turnings dogs vomiting, not to be late she is hurrying, careful the right road taking
Road construction frustrating, depression visiting, mind spinning, she is withdrawing obituary disturbing, this kind of death met with frowning, eulogy confusing
She is stopping, the man is helping his kindness endearing, storms withdrawing passages protecting, comfort finding
your huddled masses YEARNING TO BREATHE FREE – the wretched refuse of your teeming shore Send these – the homeless – tempest-tossed to me “I LIFT UP MY LAMP BESIDE THE GOLDEN DOOR!”
She is a beacon of light – a national treasure. . . And one of the most recognizable figures in the world! Each year millions who cherish her ideals make the journey to experience her history and grandeur . . . She is the Statue of Liberty, a symbol of freedom…and hope! God Bless America – and all within her shores!
This is the month when all is difficult, even more so, in the ability to make decisions, to focus on things that can create happiness and joy. When I started writing it came forth as poetry with the incessant need to rhyme practically every sentence. I tried to veer from this but found it difficult. But in this writing I will refrain (due to the deep emotional pain I am experiencing). . . . (or at least try to not do it as much)
The last glimpse that night left a lingering memory! Why they chose red I wasn’t sure Did they have a drawer full of scarves just for this occasion? Why couldn’t it have been blue or even white? Was it because this color covered the marks and bruises best from the self infliction, extinguishing his last breath that night. An act that created a deep wound on a family gripped with grief and loss
The color red has a range of symbolic meanings including life – courage – anger – love and religious fervor – the common threads that weave the fabric of life together I’m wondering if the weaver of this particular cloth had any idea what it would be used for, was this color chosen ahead of time depicting the endurance that was shown, the courage under dire circumstances, until the wearer was no longer able to bear it? Was he alone with his last lingering moments on earth. . . . Was I, the one who had given birth to an only son, left unattended, not prepared for that call in the middle of the night? As his coffin was lowered in the earth in the soon comings days To know that in a few months his body was to endure the seasons of heat and cold, summer and winter, rain and snow Will the red scarf fade into nothingness? There are different beliefs on this kind of death, some say it is unforgiven, some that it is sin, and some that it is sin but it is forgiven. Whatever the answer I know that the red scarf, though it may be a symbol of many things – we are given the promise – “Though our sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow, though they are like crimson they will be as wool“
Book of Isaiah 1:18
There will not be a need for that red scarf covering the marks of self infliction, for they have been made as white as snow, waiting for our Lord’s Resurrection Day!
Then one day I was shown we must stop this battle we owned – she took me aside and said she was sorry we must become one – she and I she said the split had caused too much pain – she had gone into hiding – she thought she could live without me – and yet I could not live without her the anger we felt caused our division we were scared – we were ashamed – we thought each other was to blame!
We held each other with open arms – we sobbed – we wept we had been torn in two – it hurts to be born again we leave each other a legacy of love – now that we are one!
“It was as if her shadow was always there, two of us, yet we were one!”
There had seemed it was too much to bear, all of these things had caused a split until I had to quit and turn away!
The trauma in my young life created two separate beings! We were not sure who each of us were, then one day I tried to talk to [ her], I told her my name, [she] said that was her name too! I was confused, how could there be two of us? I tried to ignore her, but she was always there, we could not be broken apart we tried again and again, as if she doesn’t really want to leave it would break her heart! We eat together, we sleep together, she whispers sad things in my ears at night We wear the same clothes, when I want to wear something different, she says no I try to learn to play, to be happy, but she is always sad and hides
I am so angry, I start to cry, tears flow, trying to catch them before they fall, I must be the strong one after all It goes on and on, the conflict increasing, this internal struggle with each other, that one of us needs to leave we agree we want to break away, but we can’t – we are attached I really don’t think I can take much more!
But isn’t the promise that has been given to all ? “No [trouble] has overtaken you, but such as is common to man, but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted above what you are able. . . . but will. . . also make a way of escape that you may be able to bear it” 1 Corinthians 10:13
Donna's Poetry Blog 